Thursday, January 15, 2009

What Fresh Hell Is This?

Do you see that? -->
Is General Mills screwing with our minds?
On the left in the photo is the box we Honey Nut Clusters devotees have all come to know and love.
The box on the right?
Where's the bright blue, the sunny yellow? Where's the damn squirrel?
It's a new box. It's sensible. It's staid. It's "adult."
It's boring! How did they manage to juxtapose the words "Honey," "Nut" and "Clusters" with sensible, staid and adult? It is obviously an insidious plot to do away with our beloved morning munch. This is tantamount to a knife in the very heart of Honey Nut Clusters and those who live for that magic blend of bland, more or less tasteless multi-grain flakes and small globs of nut crumbs.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the one and only store I have found in Indy that still carries Clusters. I scanned the cereal aisle looking for the blue and yellow box with uh, "Clusty" - yeah, that's it, Clusty - Clusty the Squirrel, but alas. I looked left and right, up and down. No! No bright blue. No sunny yellow. No squirrel.
I started shuffling back toward the front of the store deflated, defeated and dejected. The last bastion of HNCs gone. But then, something caught my eye. In my peripheral vision on the bottom shelf I spied that magic word: Clusters! I turned only to see in sensible (but admittedly not unattractive) earth tone colors "Honey Nut Clusters!!" Yes!!! I lunged forward and grabbed one, then two boxes with spittal suddenly running down my grizzled chin. I looked about with fright and suspicion, ready to strike out at anyone getting too close. (Back! Back I say!) I made my way like a launched arrow to the check out nervously expecting a mob of other HNC crazies to attack in a mad frenzy over the check out ripping my two humble boxes of Clusters to shreds in their desparation. But no. I was handed my never to decompose plastic bag and briskly headed to the door, out into the parking lot and hot footed it to my car, constantly on the alert. Nervously fumbling with my keys, I finally made it into my old Buick unmolested. I immediately locked the doors and looked around seeing no one who appeared to be aware of me or my Clusters. Were they trying to put me off my guard? I wouldn't put it past them. We Clusters fanatics are a wiley bunch. Suddenly I glanced up into my rear view mirror believing I caught some movement in the back seat. I spun around only to see just the unmoving pile of coats, boots, shoes, gloves, hats and other crap I keep on hand in case of a dire emergency.
Before I started the car, I grabbed a towel out of the mess in the back to wipe the flop sweat off my brow, my face, my hands and my pits. I left the damp nether regions for a more private moment. Suffice it to say, I made it home without incident. I ate my Clusters with glee, but with the troubling fear that something is afoot.
What is General Mills up to? I'm telling you, it's a death knell. It's only a matter of time.


jazzycat said...

I've been having problems finding my favorite [Grape-nut flakes] as well!

We are subject to losing a lot of freedom and consumer goods due to the global warming hoax that is preceding full steam ahead.....

Those Honey Nut thingy's may not have a low enough carbon footprint to meet government muster!

jazzycat said...

I am sure it won't deter the loons, but we had a very cool year in Mississippi in 08. Even this past summer was much cooler than normal......

Terry S said...

I had not noticed that Grape-nut Flakes have been missing. I have bought them on occasion.

Of course, my little rant about Honey Nut Clusters is a bit of silliness, but that won't deter my quest.

Man, it's getting hot in here.;-)


Zoe said...

There is no other explanation. The end is nigh.

Thank the universe my life does not depend on box cereal! *giggle*

This "silly" as you call it, post, is one of the reasons you are one of my favourite writers.

I have a miserable cold right now and you made me laugh, which made me breath deeper which made me hurt more and now I'm was all worth it. *big grin*

Terry S said...

Now how am I going to feel if you keel over from suffication after reading my "silliness?" :)

Ah, I believe we all have our own particular "boxed cereals," some small thing or things that if suddenly taken from us, sends us into a panic. Of course, the wider world of commerce cares little for our gathered ideosyncracies and affectations. Marketers are, however, insidious in their manipulations. They lure us toward the unseen hook until we bite, and then haul us up helpless in our desire for more. (heyi'mnotwackosomepeoplesayi'mwackobuti'mnotwacko.amiwacko?doyouthinki'mwacko?wellmaybeiamwackononoi'mnotwacko!welljustalittlemaybeohjeezidrooledallovermykeyboardHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)%-}

Ahem. Sorry about that. Just ignore the above. It happens every now and again, but I've got it under control. Really! I just pop a pill or two, and everything smoothes out. Yeeeeeees.

The problem comes when not enough people take the bait. They have a few of us hopelessly hooked, but unsatisfied with the catch, they remove the lure, but leave us who did bite lying on the bottom of the boat to flip around until, with our crimson gills hopelessly gasping for, uh, water, we haplessly succumb to our material lust.

(Don't tell me I don't know how to milk a metaphor.)

Well, enough of that.

As you may remember, I, too, had to deal with a "cold from hell." (Hmmm. Can you have a "cold" in hell? I'll have to think on that one.) I hadn't had one for a couple of years. I began to believe I had become immune. Little did I know. It was severe and just wouldn't let go. It had me hacking up junk (sorry for that mental picture) three to four weeks after its onset.

I know you've had a tough fight against your uncoopertive body. I guess it's all relative in one sense.

A fellow who posts on blog critics related his life's tale:

In the 80s he got into body building and misused steroids which tore up both his body and his mind.

Back in 2004 he was robbed and severely beaten in front of an ATM machine. Several surgeries were required to repair broken bones, etc.

From that, he has suffered from post traumatic stress which has caused him to lose 2 jobs owing to emotional outbursts.

Meanwhile he has been diagnosed with diabetes for which he now must inject insulin 3 or 4 times a day.

Today, he is undergoing triple bypass surgery - a residual from the steroids and the stress.

Oh, and he's gay.

I guess my knee problems aren't so bad after all. Yet, even with the knowledge that there are certainly many people in worse shape than I am, that does little to mitigate my situation. I still have to brace myself just to get up out of a chair. It still hurts when I'm on my feet for very long. Going up and down stairs is a precarious exercise at best.

I often think of you and your predicament. While I don't have intimate knowledge of your particular ills, the details you have shared with me and others blogging have painted a rather painful picture. I can't share your discomfort and pain, but I can empathise to some degree, and I can certainly commiserate with you.

While the popular quote "Life's a bitch, and then you die" sometimes applies, I am always heartened by you in that, while life has been at times difficult for you, you nevertheless have always found and celebrated the good that life has to offer. Perhaps pain and difficult times has the effect of clarifying that which is good and beautiful in life.

Thanks be to you Zoe.


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