What Fresh Hell Is This?

Do you see that? -->

Is General Mills screwing with our minds?

On the left in the photo is the box we Honey Nut Clusters devotees have all come to know and love.

The box on the right?

Where's the bright blue, the sunny yellow? Where's the damn squirrel?

It's a new box. It's sensible. It's staid. It's "adult."

It's boring! How did they manage to juxtapose the words "Honey," "Nut" and "Clusters" with sensible, staid and adult? It is obviously an insidious plot to do away with our beloved morning munch. This is tantamount to a knife in the very heart of Honey Nut Clusters and those who live for that magic blend of bland, more or less tasteless multi-grain flakes and small globs of nut crumbs.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the one and only store I have found in Indy that still carries Clusters. I scanned the cereal aisle looking for the blue and yellow box with uh, "Clusty" - yeah, that's it, Clusty - Clusty the Squirrel, but alas. I looked left and right, up and down. No! No bright blue. No sunny yellow. No squirrel.

I started shuffling back toward the front of the store deflated, defeated and dejected. The last bastion of HNCs gone. But then, something caught my eye. In my peripheral vision on the bottom shelf I spied that magic word: Clusters! I turned only to see in sensible (but admittedly not unattractive) earth tone colors "Honey Nut Clusters!!" Yes!!! I lunged forward and grabbed one, then two boxes with spittal suddenly running down my grizzled chin. I looked about with fright and suspicion, ready to strike out at anyone getting too close. (Back! Back I say!) I made my way like a launched arrow to the check out nervously expecting a mob of other HNC crazies to attack in a mad frenzy over the check out ripping my two humble boxes of Clusters to shreds in their desparation. But no. I was handed my never to decompose plastic bag and briskly headed to the door, out into the parking lot and hot footed it to my car, constantly on the alert. Nervously fumbling with my keys, I finally made it into my old Buick unmolested. I immediately locked the doors and looked around seeing no one who appeared to be aware of me or my Clusters. Were they trying to put me off my guard? I wouldn't put it past them. We Clusters fanatics are a wiley bunch. Suddenly I glanced up into my rear view mirror believing I caught some movement in the back seat. I spun around only to see just the unmoving pile of coats, boots, shoes, gloves, hats and other crap I keep on hand in case of a dire emergency.

Before I started the car, I grabbed a towel out of the mess in the back to wipe the flop sweat off my brow, my face, my hands and my pits. I left the damp nether regions for a more private moment. Suffice it to say, I made it home without incident. I ate my Clusters with glee, but with the troubling fear that something is afoot.

What is General Mills up to? I'm telling you, it's a death knell. It's only a matter of time.

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